Remember that phrase, so common in schoolyard banter and 80s TV shows that it was everywhere around us? A kid is ruthlessly insulted, and the “victim” retorts, “Oh YEAH??!! Says who?”, in a bold counterattack to the smack-talker. The sentiment behind the statement is “Why should I listen to you, give your words any weight or credibility?”. It’s pretty much the direct opposite of how we collectively think now.. which is that the smack-talker’s words necessarily hurt the “victim”, who has no choice or agency in their response - and no ability for self-preservation. In a way.. both perspectives are true. Sometimes we can let go of the insults, other times they are a direct hit, not easily forgotten - though, with some effort, they could be. Which is exactly the point! To consider the source, before we take something “to heart”. Good advice, ironically dispensed in the iconic “Wear Sunscreen” song that ran through the background of late 90s summers:
“Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past
From the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts
And recycling it for more than it's worth”.
My husband was taught, growing up, to consider what the person presenting a point of view has to gain from it. The first time he raised this point in the context of retirement planning, I found it offensive. Yet with both of us working in financial services at the time, after some reflection, I had to concede that this was pretty accurate. The retirement tool is not built to say, “congrats, you have it covered!” It is a sales tool, designed to “inspire” (not quite the right word, when inspiration rises from anxiety) a conversation and ultimately, action. Which can be good and right for the aspiring retiree, and is always the desired action from the company, whose business it is to serve investors.
On the worst days, it can feel like the world is rigged against us: fast-food lined highways, over-priced organic produce, TV commercials for drugs with absurdly long disclosures, the truths surfaced in movies like Super Size Me https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0390521/ , Fat Sick and Nearly Dead https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1227378/ , and the Business of Being Born https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0995061/ , tourist traps overcharging, retail stores designed to make you feel lost, so that you spend more. And for some of us, we are just now adding mainstream TV news, public health agency recommendations and hospital treatment to the list of potential traps to try to avoid.
What to do? It’s overwhelming and exhausting to be constantly on guard, assessing whether our interests and those of whoever and wherever we are, are aligned. Perhaps the best answer is, when we are in touch with our personal values and our individual awareness of truth, it comes naturally. Growing up, my parents would often tell me and my brothers that we did not have any idea what the world outside our protected home-town suburb was like. Ultimately, this rang true. So I resigned to explore, and find out for myself - choosing to go to college in Massachusetts, three thousand miles away, in a completely different culture and climate. When, as an economics student enthralled by development economics and aspiring to work for the World Bank, I had the opportunity to do a semester abroad in Africa, I took it, and got to experience living through a currency devaluation myself, speak with farmers about price controls myself - and see what was true for the people closest to policies. As it turned out, I found myself agreeing more with the critics of World Bank policy than the advocates for it. When in doubt, it can help to go as close as we can to the source of information. Primary research vs secondary.. one is undebatably more reliable than the other.
As an adult in a new social setting - new job or neighborhood or school parent community, when someone talks badly about another person, do you take their word for it, or do you make a mental note to hold the negative-talker in question? Pretty sure we can all agree on the latter.. we know that adults who freely, proactively say negative things about others (especially to someone they have just met!) are not the most well-adjusted, admirable, credible people. Why is it so different then, in the world of politics and public opinion? All kinds of terrible things are said about Joe Rogan (stay with me, I know half of you have been programmed to see him as a far-right demon, which is exactly my point) for example, and instead of getting curious and listening to an episode of the Joe Rogan show to see what it is about, we more often take the negativity at face value, avoid anything tied to Joe Rogan and even perpetuate the negative perception to others, all the while not taking the time to investigate the truth for ourselves.
Who can we trust? I offer the age-old “says who?”refrain as a guidepost and a simple, reliable approach in what can feel like a confusing and hostile world: If someone is trying to sell us something, we can look beyond what their salespeople and investors say about it. We can read the bad reviews, and see if they are things that matter - or that we can live with. We can read what the naysayers are highlighting, and take it into account. If someone is trying to sell us on a point of view, we can consider who funds them, who they are aligned with, and whether there are conflicts of interest at play. How does it sit with my values, and compared to my first-hand experience?
If that all feels too academic, we can always stop, take a long breath and listen carefully to what our gut and heart are telling us. Does it feel right? Does it ring true? Does it align with my conscience?
When we invest the time to question before accepting and absorbing, to see things for ourselves, as long as differing opinions and free information are still allowed to exist, the future is bright. Truth can come out, problems can be solved, reality can be our anchor.
Here’s to a clear-minded, joyful, uncensored 2023!
Addendum: dear readers, If you have found me, I suspect all of this is blatantly preaching to the choir. But WHAT IF we bring back the expression, and the mindset, and start to influence those who - for whatever reason - stopped asking questions, to start questioning again? THAT will be a Happy New Year! Let us try… I earnestly hope you will join me. Who says we can’t make a difference?!
Btw, I mostly don’t wear sunscreen. 😆 Turns out even that advice is somewhat fraught.
I didn't know who Joe Roegan was. It's been fun listening to him without any background. He is great at what he does. When I talked to a new friend at Christmas who explained JR's past in media, including MTV, I was glad i didn't know, and allow that stuff to color my experience of his interviews. I want to apply this method to everything...no unsolicited pre-conditioning.
I also consider all unsolicited advice to be selfish. Easy to get this when someone tries to shove advice down my throat. Harder to practice wearing the other show. I try to live by this, and not advise my patients unless they specifically ask. It has worked well thus far.