In Parts 1 and 2, I acknowledged some of the feelings underneath my rage. Yet, I know that I am still gripping onto some part of it… my greatest fear is that we rewind and launch into madness all over again, or move forward into some variation on the theme. I know it’s an active fear for many of those of us who experienced this - for good reason. With no admission of wrongdoing, there is every possibility that we will have a repeat.
What is the precise theme of this nightmare, exactly? For me, it’s all about bullying. My perception of this situation is rooted in my past, which is jumping up and down to get my attention: Easter, 1984. Pink scallop-edged dolphin shorts, middle part, long hair with home-made thin-ribbon light and royal blue braids twisted through my hair barrettes. Yeah! Dad thought it would be funny to hide my Easter basket someplace really tricky. We always played the “warmer, colder” game.. and this one went on a looooong time, because my basket was out of sight, along the edge of the roof, well above my visibility level. I remember this incident because it was indelibly frustrating, and because it was videotaped, so I got to relive it, with full humiliation, over the years. In the video, I eventually get so flustered that I am yelling at my dad, infuriated, on camera. He is laughing, because it’s all good 1980s style fun. From what I can remember, my brothers think it is good fun, too. (I know my mom didn’t, but there was only so much she was able to do). This is the stuff of my nightmares. I am suffering, others can see it, yet I am totally on my own. They might even be enjoying my suffering.
In 80s movies, there is almost always a bully - the villain - the popular kid, arrogant, insensitive, cruel.. and it falls to the hero to find a way to triumph, somehow. Our hero struggles, eventually finds his courage, with the help of an ally sidekick or two, and together they defeat the bully, who is humiliated, sidelined, and loses his social standing. Oh and hero “gets the girl”. My favorite of these is Better Off Dead, because John Cusack is such a relatable, neurotic hero, and his most valuable sidekick is a spunky girl, multi-talented, inspiring, physically unimpressive but an emotional powerhouse. Her skiing advice is both uselessly obvious and metaphorically wise, “If something gets in your way, turn!”. Which is notably the very same advice his drug-obsessed, but caring and loyal dude friend gives him, a week or so earlier.
My triumph over the bully was never so sensational. And I am still working on mastering it. They seemed to find me in the workplace, in that uncanny way that people pick the wrong significant others, over and over again, I would end up with a “boss bully” every several years. I found ways to survive them, but not so much ways to look them in the eye and push back. I suppose my outreach to leaders at my last company was a way of finally pushing back… None of them listened.. or did they? I assume that is how I got the severance offer from HR.
What’s deeply unsettling is since the movies of the 80s, which were all about finding one’s courage, now the prevailing life lessons and what we hear about in mainstream culture are the opposite - “keep your head down!”. If you want a good grade on your essay, best to take a position that aligns with the teacher’s perspective. At work, best to go along with the boss’s off-base, certain to fail idea. We learn to go along, to get along. And that’s without even getting into cancel culture. (Read my other post: Take back your mind)
In most bully circumstances, a class, a job, a relationship.. we have the option to choose to walk away. “If something gets in your way, turn!”. But what about when bullying goes national, or global? “No jab, no job.”. It gets harder to go find another job, where the bully’s policy does not hold court. What about the unjabbed who fancy a night out? Can they just pick another restaurant, or concert venue? Not so much.. Unless they move, to another city, another state. And that is what has been happening, a modern day wagon caravan, this time headed West to East. Thank goodness for an inconsistent rollout of tyranny in the US, at least this time. For the next “pandemic” though, many of the powers-that-be pledge to lock down sooner and longer and harder, because - ya know - it is a very effective approach, grounded in science.
I think the answer lies in the predictable template of the 80s movie: the hero always prevails, but never alone. We are all pack animals and we do not have enough strength without our allies. Often, in the movies, both the allies and the hero are misfits - the perpetual high school student of Better Off Dead or Mr Miyagi in the Karate Kid or the giant and the vengeful Spaniard in the Princess Bride. God bless the non-conformists, the outcasts, the weirdos! Society needs us most of all, because those of us who refuse to keep our heads down ARE the heroes. Without us, bullies and injustice reign.
This Thanksgiving, I celebrate those of us who follow our own internal compass and are willing to team up with others to “go our own way”. Maybe that’s what it has always been about - until you find a way to stand your own ground, with a little help from a few like-minded, quirky AF friends - you cannot live out your potential. It is our friends who set us free.
I'll be your like-minded, quirky AF friend! There are more of us born every day, I sense.