the smoldering rage of the unvaccinated - part 1

social contracts were broken, and we are forever changed

Photo by Debashis RC Biswas on Unsplash

Perhaps the greatest human struggle is between anger and forgiveness.  I have always been intrigued by stories of people forgiving the criminal who murdered their loved one, or in the case of the chiropractor who wrote “A Beautiful Spiral” forgiving the person who attacked and raped her.  I reflect on these stories with a combination of admiration, curiosity (how does that work?) and disbelief (really???!!!).  Forgiveness is not for the offender, as they say, it is for the victim.  This concept seems to be central to many religions.. it seems there is something profoundly important in this.

I have become a dedicated practitioner of yoga, not the competitive kind with a spin-class-vibe “yogi” calling out rushed prompts for sun salutations. The kind where class starts with a reading and a reflection… intentions are set and there is a personal growth, self-awareness element along with the physical challenges of balance, strength and release.  One of the frequent themes is about “letting go”, which refers to ditching unproductive feelings, attachments, relationships, habits.. anything that “does not serve you”, as you seek to become a more present, aware and enlightened person.

I know what I need to let go of.  But the obstacle is, I am F’ing mad!!!!  Furious, red hot like a glowing piece of iron, or, well.. the flames of hell… at the CEO of the company where I used to work (I have been paid not to mention their name, so I won’t.. they offered me a severance package after I repeatedly questioned their covid policy), at my own father who said “I am on the wrong side of history”, at my ex-friends who refused to engage when I shared how genuinely terrified I was, at my co-workers who offered no acknowledgement or support, at the public at large who continues to hold the attitude of “nothing to see here”.

A wise therapist once told me that anger is not a “primary emotion”.  That it is merely the tip of the emotional iceberg, with emotions like grief and loss floating beneath.  So.. let me try to deconstruct my anger, in the hope of dissipating it, at least somewhat.

Part 1 - My CEO.

I actually really admired the guy.  It seemed like his ethics were in the right place. Without sharing enough detail to identify the company.. when he came into his position, some HR issues had been festering and he decisively and publicly resolved them.  I was impressed.  Early in the pandemic, I reached out to him.  Being my idealistic self, and knowing he was involved with hospital administration, I asked him to consider alternative treatments for covid, in the spirit of saving lives.  I said there was bias in the system and it was worth considering whatever might work.  This was December 2020.  We had a brief, but warm email exchange.  Fast forward to August 2021.  He had announced that he was strongly considering an employee vax mandate. By August, I had attended a session with my trusted naturopath, in which they did a detailed, unbiased review of what we did and did not know about the covid “vaccines” (we knew in mid-2021 that they were non-sterilizing, ie would not stop the spread). And the post-4th of July story from Barnstable, Massachusetts had come out, an early real-world illustration that the jabs did not stop the spread.  I implored him not to invoke a mandate, listing my reasons in an impassioned plea.  He, the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company, responded to me within seconds - saying that “I would just have to make my choice”.  A few seconds later, he sent a second, separate email offering condolences for the loss of my father in law, who I had mentioned in my email - as he had passed unexpectedly, of a heart attack, within a few weeks of his first jab.  It could be a coincidence, or not… certainly a reasonable approach would be to rule out the possibility of harm, rather than throwing the dice and hoping for good odds?!  It was evident from this August email exchange that my CEO was acting out of emotion, rather than thinking rationally.

In the months ahead, things got a lot worse. I reached out to multiple doctors, including my naturopath, asking if they would write me an exemption.  All declined. That is how I came to learn that docs were at risk of losing their licenses if they wrote covid vaccine exemptions.  From there, I spoke with some lawyers and found that noone was willing to get involved with this topic, and they generally saw no legal basis on the employee side.  This included my longtime neighbor, a friend, who had a small practice that fought for “the little guy” in things like landlord vs tenant disputes.  Yeah, it still pisses me off that he is a tireless, lifelong advocate for underdogs, except when Team blue demonizes them.  In his defense, this is how the majority thinks, in California, and part of the reason I made the decision to GTFO, ahem, move out of state.

I did some more research and found a service that would help me craft an exemption to the vax mandate.  This included studying Title 7 of the US Civil Rights Act of 1964.  I learned that religious exemptions encompassed moral and ethical exemptions, which is the approach that I took, saying that I could not in good conscience put my personal health at risk, given my medical history and how much it took to regain my health after having a bad reaction to medication in the past.

The mandate (at my work) was announced September 15, the day after the failed gubernatorial recall in California.  By late Sept, I had ruled out the possibility of a medical exemption and I invested countless hours in October drafting my exemption. It was due in November, and HR stated that anyone whose exemptions were not approved or accommodations could not be met would be on the payroll through March 1, and then terminated.

I felt reasonably confident that my exemption would be accepted, but it was not a comfortable time.  The division of labor between me and my husband was non-traditional; I was the bread-winner and he did all the kids stuff, from laundry to schoolwork to shopping to sports, and home remodel projects.  Like so many good things, we had stumbled into this arrangement by chance, and it had been working well for us for over five years. We did not want to change it.

As the sole bread-winner, the thought that I might not be able to work again - to get ANY job - because of my unvaccinated status - was infuriating, outrageous and terrifying.  Of course I could “just get the jab”, but with other treatment options available for covid (I can cover this in a separate post), relatively low covid mortality risk (I had been carefully watching the data), and my past experiences - I felt that if anything went wrong health-wise post-jab, for me, I would tailspin mentally, even more than physically.  There was no way I would have the mental strength to fight my way through recovery, if I knew I had done it to myself- by my own choice.

After I submitted my exemption in November, it was a waiting game. Just before the Christmas break, I spoke with my contact in HR and she indicated that employees whose jobs required them to travel and/or meet people in person would likely be terminated. Legally, the company would “honor the exemptions” but be unable to provide an “accommodation”.

Let me unpack this circular, unlawful logic, because this kind of crazy was kindling for my as-yet unshakeable rage.

Here is more info on Title 7 https://www.justice.gov/crt/laws-enforced-employment-litigation-section

Employers are advised to accept all religious exemptions, as Title 7 is set up so that no entity has the authority to judge the validity or rationality of a person’s religious/moral/ethical convictions.  Whatever they are, they are.. guidance from SHRM https://www.shrm.org/resourcesandtools/legal-and-compliance/employment-law/pages/if-workers-refuse-a-covid-19-vaccination.aspx concurred with this.  This is why I felt reasonably confident that my exemption would be “accepted”.  Technically, according to my legal training, exemptions are a right that you “claim”, not something an employer can approve or decline.  Either way.. this first hurdle seemed to be one I could pass.

“Accommodation” was the tough part.  According to the law, accommodations need to be “reasonable” and cannot create “undue hardship” for the employer.  As my “Accommodation”, I was asking for my employer to allow me to periodically take a covid test, and (with a negative result) attend in-person events like team off-sites, client meetings, conferences and the like.  My employer’s position was that they would not support any covid testing, nor would they allow any unvaccinated employees to enter any company offices, or engage in company-sponsored travel. All employee badges of the unvaxed were de-activated, meanwhile other employees were encouraged to return to the office, and told that in-person interactions were a must for career growth and success.  There is a special flavor of rage that comes from being deliberately shut out, that must be well-known by groups who have faced discrimination in the past.  How black people in the US Civil Rights era did not absolutely lose themselves in fury will forever be a source of personal astonishment, leaving me in awe of the leaders and survivors of that era.

Was covid testing a “reasonable” accommodation or did my request create “undue hardship” for my employer?  Let’s scratch our heads really hard… the OSHE guidelines allowed for testing, many other employers allowed for testing, tests were readily available and not at a cost that would sink a billion dollar global company, especially at a monthly or so frequency.

But my employer was planning to terminate employees because they were unable to accommodate the testing required to allow them to safely meet others in person.

Huh??!!!!!

It was a rough Christmas.  At some point, I think it may have been a few days before Christmas, I got word that my exemption would be approved and my job would be safe, because it was determined that my job could be done remotely, without any in-person interaction.  Following the Holiday, I pushed on the “accommodation” piece, asking HR for a test option and raising questions about the legality of their policy.

When corporate messaging came out around MLK day, touting the wonderful things our company was doing to support justice, diversity and inclusion, I reached out to the head of Diversity and Inclusion. Over time, I also reached out to the head of Ethics and the department head for my function.  They all referred me back to HR, specifically the group within HR that works with people who are on performance improvement plans, the group I worked with as a manager when we had a disciplinary issue and needed to fire someone.  Exercising my personal health freedom was viewed as a disciplinary violation.   

Ok, so… why am I so angry at my ex-CEO?  And, more importantly, for my sanity, what emotions lie beneath?

Disillusionment - that someone I had on a pedestal, my living evidence that corporate leaders could be good, ethical people, could be so deliberately spiteful, irrational, unfeeling and authoritarian.  “You will have to make your choice”!

Disbelief and concern - that such obviously flawed logic would stand, and go unquestioned by other reasonable, educated decision-makers.  If this kind of logic could fly, without any friction, what else could be possible in the future?

Loss - of the security that comes with the belief that people could be counted on to stay on the right side of some unspoken, ethical line.

Fear - I began to wake up each morning thinking about genocide. What were the steps?  How close or far away were we?  That December, our President was stoking hate against the unvaccinated, expressing his “frustration” and warning us of the “Winter of death” that lay ahead of us.

On to Part 2…